Oh no.
Oh no, oh no, oh no.... OH NO!!!!
I've lost it. The only thing I wasn't supposed to lose in a day like today. My voice. I'VE LOST IT!
How, HOW? Yeah, last night... I remembered. I guess I lost control. I shouldn't have, should never EVER have let them do that to me. I shouldn't have done that to ME. Of course, I didn't know then. Well, how am I supposed to know that my voice would slip off my throat if I continuously shouted that high-pitched part of "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion? It was just, oh, I did it only because they, the girls, asked me to. Oh no, blame them! No, blame me! Oh no, can't I even sing a high-octave scale? And now it was like as if someone had pushed on a mute button inside my throat.
I was speechless. Well, actually I couldn't speak anything, see, my voice is gone! Just like that! It was another morning in someday of October 2009 and I was there, in a small dingy room of the St. Dominic's Girls' Hostel, wondering what on the earth has happened to my voice. I just sat there on my bed, blanket-covered and hands over my head. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, I couldn't think about it. Damn! What am I gonna do if I can't even speak a thing? I tried calling Nimisha, my roommate and classmate and a dear friend, who was sleeping so peacefully on the bed beside me. And guess what? She wouldn't even budge! No surprise, put Nimisha to sleep and she'll never get up unless it's a 'food's-matter'. No hope of her getting up now to rescue me from this. I cursed and turned on the light and checked the clock beside my cot.
OH NO, WHAT THE HELL? It's 6.00 AM already! Dammit!
I stared and stared at it until a small voice inside my head said, "get a grip, Marie, you've got 30 minutes." Oh yeah! 30 minutes to get ready and gotta catch the next possible bus to Mannarkkad! Dammit, today is the Bible Arts Competition of the Forane Level and I have signed up for 4 items! 4 ITEMS ONSTAGE AND MY VOICE IS GONE! What the hell am i gonna do?
Okay, okay, I got it. Gotta hurry and within 6.25 I was all set. Dressed in my favorite pink 'Dog-Bitten' skirt and white top. This dress has got my lucky-charm on it. That's why I used to wear it for most of the days whenever I needed a push. Besides, I guess I looked kinda nice, well, see I'm not that of a Miss School-Beauty thing, I guess I looked kinda cute when I'm wearing that and besides, pink is kinda girlie and used to be my favorite color back then. Okay, enough about my looks, anyway, someone had knocked at my door as I was pondering over my looks in the mirror.
"Are you ready yet? It's 6.30 already." A voice shouted.
"No, I mean... It's only 6.28 and yeah, George I'm coming now." I whispered back at Aiswarya George, she was one of my close girlfriends and I loved her strange noisy-voice which, well, sounded funny. And she was a funny and interesting person to be with but now, if I didn't hurry enough, I was about to get a few smacks from her. Well, I didn't want to be beaten by someone in the early morning of a day like this when I'm all beaten up inside. I wasn't feeling very well that moment and I felt a tight knot inside my stomach. What's happening?
I opened the door, moved on and luckily missed a face-to-face collision with her. "Awwrr... Missed it by that much!" She goggled. I managed a weak smile at her and said good morning, hoping she wouldn't notice the tears welling up in my eyes. Shit! Was I crying? No, Marie, this ain't the time! I tried hard to calm down myself and to look like my usual self. But, believe me, sometimes you couldn't help but wish these close friends did not have that super-power to understand exactly how you feel inside just by your presence near them. I can tell you this because it wasn't later when George grabbed my waist as I was hurrying towards to the front door. DAMN IT! I knew I was caught up.
"Is everything alright?" George asked, her eyes locking with mine, well, stop doing that, I wanted to shout but I just stared and smiled widely, "yeah, of course, why not?", and wished my smile would work. I wasn't able to keep my voice, well, what's remaining of it now, from breaking. But what I could see from her eyes then, well told me no. No, my smile didn't work and I was about to get investigated by the Nancy Drew Junior about the new case, here, well, it's me. And I was not going to let her get me. Move Marie, I told myself. NOW!
"We gotta hurry, George, it's time!" I wriggled out of her grip and hurried towards the door. "Did you take the bag, have you checked it alright?" I managed to keep my face away, looking at everything around but her as we walked out the hostel gates. "Yeah, I did take it and everything's in there, the events-list, numbers, our wallets, everything. But," she paused, I didn't look at her, "what's wrong, Mar, you look upset."
A little note here, see my name is Maria, Maria Joseph actually and I call myself Maria Pullatt or Marie. Huh, and my Daddy call me Muthu, even these days he's winning over the long protests from my Mom about how I had grown up and not to be pampered again. Well, how can a nick-name pamper you? Anyways, friends from my high school used to call me 'Marie', and when I reached the 12th grade, my best friends had put these two names together to 'Marimuthu'. See, a lot of names for me to bear and now George and some others called me 'Mar'. You might meet much more as you read on, so, keep your mind and eyes open.
Now, this was not going to be any good. I thought. "Nothing," I said, "just being nervous. Oh it's really cold here, ain't it?" I desperately tried to change the conversation off me, but... "You gotta be kiddin' me, eh? Maria Joseph, nervous about being onstage. Oh. My. God. You're really bad at doing this." George pointed out. "Drop it, Mar. Tell me what's up." She paused and rolled her eyes at me as I guiltily shifted mine away from hers. See, when you're upset about something, asking why you're upset will make you more upset, I tell you. And now, I was trying to stop the tears from welling up inside my eyes. I blinked furiously as I walked on, ignoring her question.
"Nice outfit, by the way." George said after an awkward long time, losing hope that I'd say something. I said nothing but nodded as we crossed the main road towards our stop, St. Joseph's Church, Sreekrishnapuram. It was awful, being complimented on my looks. Especially when it's not even 5 minutes before that some folks in an autorikshaw, which was passing by the two of us as we were walking, had shouted at me, "hey kiddo, what happened to your skirt? Did you get bitten by the street dog?" I had tried hard not to freak out as I ignored them. I could feel George, beside me, shaking with bursting laughter she was doing her best to control. Damn 'em, Marie, I'd comforted myself. You look nice, believe it. I had no trouble in believing anything not because I had to, nor even because it was the truth. I always believe in something because I WANT TO. And now I wanted to believe that it was all a dream, everything. Me, George, the cool breeze caressing my face, the break of a new day with full of promises and hope, the fact that my voice is nothing but a small awful sound...
GOOD NEWS! We didn't have to go by the local bus as there was a last minute change of plan by the Parish Vicar as he'd arranged the St. Domininc's School to provide us their bus service and we were going all by ourselves. About 20 of the students and 3 teachers with Sister Joice. It was a pleasant surprise for us, students as we were mentally preparing ourselves to face the hustle and bustle inside the bus.
So, getting to travel for participating in a competition while you're comfortably admiring the outside view in the side-seat of a bus with the people who think you're going to win in whatever you do and has every faith in you, it was supposed to be jolly. I was supposed to be springing around blabbing with each and everyone inside the bus. But all I did through the way was praying and trying to look cheerful. I've no idea now how many Rosaries I said with in an hour. Please, I'd begged to God. Please give my voice back to me, Please. I prayed with all my heart. Mother Mary, PLEASE do tell your Son to make me alright. Just for this day, just for a few hours, just till my last program is over. Please, I want you guys to do a miracle right now, for me. I looked at the people all happy and having a good time around me with every hope, as if it was just a small picnic. "Don't worry," a small voice said inside my head, "everything will be alright." I knew, I WAS GOING TO FAIL FOR SURE.
"Welcome to our Parish." A handsome guy ushered us through the gates. I looked at the marvelous church, I don't remember it's name, with awe.It was big indeed, I was astonished to find out that my own parish was actually 4 times smaller that this. And you can never imagine the panic I had as we we were lead to our respective homerooms. There were participants for the different competitions from about 25 other parishes and I bet they were PERFECT in whatever they did. No way that I can ever even think winning over all of them. Well, okay, I admit that I'm a drama queen when it comes to explaining how pathetic I am but that was really the case, then. "Please..." I begged, grabbing Sister Joice's arm tightly, "don't let me go, please, I can't do it!" I was in the verge of tears. "What?" she asked, "what on the earth are you talking about? You can't go? Well, YOU are our only hope to win the Overall 1st place, Maria. You're just worried. Don't mess it up in the last moment, okay?" "No, I can't do this." I insisted, shaking my head vigorously. "For kindness' sake," I looked down, "my voice is gone!" There, I said it, I said it to the world which had suddenly went so silent. "What do you mean," Sister Joice frowned, tilting her head to one side, she pushed my chin up so that she could look me in the eyes, "your voice what?" "It's gone," I mumbled, "last night, I had a throat problem and today morning, when I woke up, my voice was gone. I can't sing now." I burst into tears right there, in front of each and every kids and elders who was standing there, staring.
"Don't!" George said, grabbing my arm. "It's alright, you can do it." "No no, I can't!" I wailed. Soon, everyone in our group was consoling me, trying to make me stop crying, to cheer me up. "You can sing softly, can't you? You don't have to sing out so loud." Someone said. "You don't have to worry about being perfect, just do what you have to do." A tall guy who was my junior said. "Don't cry, Maria chechi...", a little one said, grabbing my waist, "you can do it"! I looked down, shaking my head. And then, someone rushed in and shouted, "Maria, MARIA, they're calling out for the solo, go fast! Where are you?"
WHAT? NO!!!
*****
"Hey, it was good." An old lady said, patting my arm as I was making my way through the crowd to the way out after my song. "Thanks" I mumbled and rushed out of the venue. I couldn't believe it did it! I sang, yeah, I did! I knew it wasn't that good, but as I was concerned, I didn't mess up with the lyrics and the tune. So, score 1! I felt horrible. "Please," I tried again when I got back in our room, "I'm done and it's not gonna do. I can't sing the rest of it." "You did really well." Sister Joice smiled. "And we know you're gonna do the rest as wonderful as well. Don't you worry, kid." She said and turned to check on the other kids who were getting ready for a dance.
I din't know if I could handle this stress anymore. I went to look for Aiswarya and found her with her dance team. "Dude, you look funny and you stink!" I wrinkled my nose as she ran to greet me. "And I heard you were not that bad for the solo, congrats!" She smiled broadly as she tried to hug me. "Oh, for heaven's sake, move away, your makeup would get spoiled and my dress, too!" I was trying to avoid her red-painted arms as I heard someone call me again.
"It's time for the Poetry Reading competition, where's our Maria, oh, there you are! Go go go!!!" "Okay, okay, I'm going, going... Excuse me, I need some space, yeah thanks. I'm coming!" I tried to yell as I stormed out of the room as the dance team behind me yelled "GOOD LUCK" in unison.
*****
"Oh my God, I did it again!" I tried to catch my breath as I was walking out after my second performance. "How was it?" George asked me when she saw me coming back. " "Not bad, at least I didn't forget the verses." I smiled, for the first time that day, "and I feel more confident now." I added as helped myself to the snacks she brought for me. "Oh, I'm so glad to hear that, Mar." She looked happy as she walked away. "Well, we gotta go now, our item's getting closer. Do pray, okay?" She shouted back as she went off with the other girls."Mmm... Thanks and Good Luck!" I said as I munched on a cookie, feeling brighter inside and out.
I spent the next few minutes listening to the classical song I had to perform next. We had our lunch then, and George was back as I was about to finish mine. "Hey, how did it go?" I asked as she sat down beside me with her plate. "Great, great! I was just great!" She was so excited. "We were one of the best and I'd kill myself if we didn't make it to the first position." "Whoa! Great! Congrats, you're gonna get it for sure!" I said happily. So, that was really awesome, I thought. I was saying a small prayer as we finished our lunch and helped the others to set up the room when Sister Joice shouted, "Up up, everyone who's in for the Margam Kali! We've a little change in the schedule here!" "WHAT?" I was shell shocked and standing with my mouth wide open. "Dammit! What are they playing at?" George screamed I was sure my heart skipped a beat as someone pushed me around the room, handed me the costume and asked me to go and change. "No! I'm not ready yet!
(gotta go, to be continued! Muah!!! ;))
Oh no, oh no, oh no.... OH NO!!!!
I've lost it. The only thing I wasn't supposed to lose in a day like today. My voice. I'VE LOST IT!
How, HOW? Yeah, last night... I remembered. I guess I lost control. I shouldn't have, should never EVER have let them do that to me. I shouldn't have done that to ME. Of course, I didn't know then. Well, how am I supposed to know that my voice would slip off my throat if I continuously shouted that high-pitched part of "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion? It was just, oh, I did it only because they, the girls, asked me to. Oh no, blame them! No, blame me! Oh no, can't I even sing a high-octave scale? And now it was like as if someone had pushed on a mute button inside my throat.
I was speechless. Well, actually I couldn't speak anything, see, my voice is gone! Just like that! It was another morning in someday of October 2009 and I was there, in a small dingy room of the St. Dominic's Girls' Hostel, wondering what on the earth has happened to my voice. I just sat there on my bed, blanket-covered and hands over my head. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, I couldn't think about it. Damn! What am I gonna do if I can't even speak a thing? I tried calling Nimisha, my roommate and classmate and a dear friend, who was sleeping so peacefully on the bed beside me. And guess what? She wouldn't even budge! No surprise, put Nimisha to sleep and she'll never get up unless it's a 'food's-matter'. No hope of her getting up now to rescue me from this. I cursed and turned on the light and checked the clock beside my cot.
OH NO, WHAT THE HELL? It's 6.00 AM already! Dammit!
I stared and stared at it until a small voice inside my head said, "get a grip, Marie, you've got 30 minutes." Oh yeah! 30 minutes to get ready and gotta catch the next possible bus to Mannarkkad! Dammit, today is the Bible Arts Competition of the Forane Level and I have signed up for 4 items! 4 ITEMS ONSTAGE AND MY VOICE IS GONE! What the hell am i gonna do?
Okay, okay, I got it. Gotta hurry and within 6.25 I was all set. Dressed in my favorite pink 'Dog-Bitten' skirt and white top. This dress has got my lucky-charm on it. That's why I used to wear it for most of the days whenever I needed a push. Besides, I guess I looked kinda nice, well, see I'm not that of a Miss School-Beauty thing, I guess I looked kinda cute when I'm wearing that and besides, pink is kinda girlie and used to be my favorite color back then. Okay, enough about my looks, anyway, someone had knocked at my door as I was pondering over my looks in the mirror.
"Are you ready yet? It's 6.30 already." A voice shouted.
"No, I mean... It's only 6.28 and yeah, George I'm coming now." I whispered back at Aiswarya George, she was one of my close girlfriends and I loved her strange noisy-voice which, well, sounded funny. And she was a funny and interesting person to be with but now, if I didn't hurry enough, I was about to get a few smacks from her. Well, I didn't want to be beaten by someone in the early morning of a day like this when I'm all beaten up inside. I wasn't feeling very well that moment and I felt a tight knot inside my stomach. What's happening?
I opened the door, moved on and luckily missed a face-to-face collision with her. "Awwrr... Missed it by that much!" She goggled. I managed a weak smile at her and said good morning, hoping she wouldn't notice the tears welling up in my eyes. Shit! Was I crying? No, Marie, this ain't the time! I tried hard to calm down myself and to look like my usual self. But, believe me, sometimes you couldn't help but wish these close friends did not have that super-power to understand exactly how you feel inside just by your presence near them. I can tell you this because it wasn't later when George grabbed my waist as I was hurrying towards to the front door. DAMN IT! I knew I was caught up.
"Is everything alright?" George asked, her eyes locking with mine, well, stop doing that, I wanted to shout but I just stared and smiled widely, "yeah, of course, why not?", and wished my smile would work. I wasn't able to keep my voice, well, what's remaining of it now, from breaking. But what I could see from her eyes then, well told me no. No, my smile didn't work and I was about to get investigated by the Nancy Drew Junior about the new case, here, well, it's me. And I was not going to let her get me. Move Marie, I told myself. NOW!
"We gotta hurry, George, it's time!" I wriggled out of her grip and hurried towards the door. "Did you take the bag, have you checked it alright?" I managed to keep my face away, looking at everything around but her as we walked out the hostel gates. "Yeah, I did take it and everything's in there, the events-list, numbers, our wallets, everything. But," she paused, I didn't look at her, "what's wrong, Mar, you look upset."
A little note here, see my name is Maria, Maria Joseph actually and I call myself Maria Pullatt or Marie. Huh, and my Daddy call me Muthu, even these days he's winning over the long protests from my Mom about how I had grown up and not to be pampered again. Well, how can a nick-name pamper you? Anyways, friends from my high school used to call me 'Marie', and when I reached the 12th grade, my best friends had put these two names together to 'Marimuthu'. See, a lot of names for me to bear and now George and some others called me 'Mar'. You might meet much more as you read on, so, keep your mind and eyes open.
Now, this was not going to be any good. I thought. "Nothing," I said, "just being nervous. Oh it's really cold here, ain't it?" I desperately tried to change the conversation off me, but... "You gotta be kiddin' me, eh? Maria Joseph, nervous about being onstage. Oh. My. God. You're really bad at doing this." George pointed out. "Drop it, Mar. Tell me what's up." She paused and rolled her eyes at me as I guiltily shifted mine away from hers. See, when you're upset about something, asking why you're upset will make you more upset, I tell you. And now, I was trying to stop the tears from welling up inside my eyes. I blinked furiously as I walked on, ignoring her question.
"Nice outfit, by the way." George said after an awkward long time, losing hope that I'd say something. I said nothing but nodded as we crossed the main road towards our stop, St. Joseph's Church, Sreekrishnapuram. It was awful, being complimented on my looks. Especially when it's not even 5 minutes before that some folks in an autorikshaw, which was passing by the two of us as we were walking, had shouted at me, "hey kiddo, what happened to your skirt? Did you get bitten by the street dog?" I had tried hard not to freak out as I ignored them. I could feel George, beside me, shaking with bursting laughter she was doing her best to control. Damn 'em, Marie, I'd comforted myself. You look nice, believe it. I had no trouble in believing anything not because I had to, nor even because it was the truth. I always believe in something because I WANT TO. And now I wanted to believe that it was all a dream, everything. Me, George, the cool breeze caressing my face, the break of a new day with full of promises and hope, the fact that my voice is nothing but a small awful sound...
GOOD NEWS! We didn't have to go by the local bus as there was a last minute change of plan by the Parish Vicar as he'd arranged the St. Domininc's School to provide us their bus service and we were going all by ourselves. About 20 of the students and 3 teachers with Sister Joice. It was a pleasant surprise for us, students as we were mentally preparing ourselves to face the hustle and bustle inside the bus.
So, getting to travel for participating in a competition while you're comfortably admiring the outside view in the side-seat of a bus with the people who think you're going to win in whatever you do and has every faith in you, it was supposed to be jolly. I was supposed to be springing around blabbing with each and everyone inside the bus. But all I did through the way was praying and trying to look cheerful. I've no idea now how many Rosaries I said with in an hour. Please, I'd begged to God. Please give my voice back to me, Please. I prayed with all my heart. Mother Mary, PLEASE do tell your Son to make me alright. Just for this day, just for a few hours, just till my last program is over. Please, I want you guys to do a miracle right now, for me. I looked at the people all happy and having a good time around me with every hope, as if it was just a small picnic. "Don't worry," a small voice said inside my head, "everything will be alright." I knew, I WAS GOING TO FAIL FOR SURE.
"Welcome to our Parish." A handsome guy ushered us through the gates. I looked at the marvelous church, I don't remember it's name, with awe.It was big indeed, I was astonished to find out that my own parish was actually 4 times smaller that this. And you can never imagine the panic I had as we we were lead to our respective homerooms. There were participants for the different competitions from about 25 other parishes and I bet they were PERFECT in whatever they did. No way that I can ever even think winning over all of them. Well, okay, I admit that I'm a drama queen when it comes to explaining how pathetic I am but that was really the case, then. "Please..." I begged, grabbing Sister Joice's arm tightly, "don't let me go, please, I can't do it!" I was in the verge of tears. "What?" she asked, "what on the earth are you talking about? You can't go? Well, YOU are our only hope to win the Overall 1st place, Maria. You're just worried. Don't mess it up in the last moment, okay?" "No, I can't do this." I insisted, shaking my head vigorously. "For kindness' sake," I looked down, "my voice is gone!" There, I said it, I said it to the world which had suddenly went so silent. "What do you mean," Sister Joice frowned, tilting her head to one side, she pushed my chin up so that she could look me in the eyes, "your voice what?" "It's gone," I mumbled, "last night, I had a throat problem and today morning, when I woke up, my voice was gone. I can't sing now." I burst into tears right there, in front of each and every kids and elders who was standing there, staring.
"Don't!" George said, grabbing my arm. "It's alright, you can do it." "No no, I can't!" I wailed. Soon, everyone in our group was consoling me, trying to make me stop crying, to cheer me up. "You can sing softly, can't you? You don't have to sing out so loud." Someone said. "You don't have to worry about being perfect, just do what you have to do." A tall guy who was my junior said. "Don't cry, Maria chechi...", a little one said, grabbing my waist, "you can do it"! I looked down, shaking my head. And then, someone rushed in and shouted, "Maria, MARIA, they're calling out for the solo, go fast! Where are you?"
WHAT? NO!!!
*****
"Hey, it was good." An old lady said, patting my arm as I was making my way through the crowd to the way out after my song. "Thanks" I mumbled and rushed out of the venue. I couldn't believe it did it! I sang, yeah, I did! I knew it wasn't that good, but as I was concerned, I didn't mess up with the lyrics and the tune. So, score 1! I felt horrible. "Please," I tried again when I got back in our room, "I'm done and it's not gonna do. I can't sing the rest of it." "You did really well." Sister Joice smiled. "And we know you're gonna do the rest as wonderful as well. Don't you worry, kid." She said and turned to check on the other kids who were getting ready for a dance.
I din't know if I could handle this stress anymore. I went to look for Aiswarya and found her with her dance team. "Dude, you look funny and you stink!" I wrinkled my nose as she ran to greet me. "And I heard you were not that bad for the solo, congrats!" She smiled broadly as she tried to hug me. "Oh, for heaven's sake, move away, your makeup would get spoiled and my dress, too!" I was trying to avoid her red-painted arms as I heard someone call me again.
"It's time for the Poetry Reading competition, where's our Maria, oh, there you are! Go go go!!!" "Okay, okay, I'm going, going... Excuse me, I need some space, yeah thanks. I'm coming!" I tried to yell as I stormed out of the room as the dance team behind me yelled "GOOD LUCK" in unison.
*****
"Oh my God, I did it again!" I tried to catch my breath as I was walking out after my second performance. "How was it?" George asked me when she saw me coming back. " "Not bad, at least I didn't forget the verses." I smiled, for the first time that day, "and I feel more confident now." I added as helped myself to the snacks she brought for me. "Oh, I'm so glad to hear that, Mar." She looked happy as she walked away. "Well, we gotta go now, our item's getting closer. Do pray, okay?" She shouted back as she went off with the other girls."Mmm... Thanks and Good Luck!" I said as I munched on a cookie, feeling brighter inside and out.
I spent the next few minutes listening to the classical song I had to perform next. We had our lunch then, and George was back as I was about to finish mine. "Hey, how did it go?" I asked as she sat down beside me with her plate. "Great, great! I was just great!" She was so excited. "We were one of the best and I'd kill myself if we didn't make it to the first position." "Whoa! Great! Congrats, you're gonna get it for sure!" I said happily. So, that was really awesome, I thought. I was saying a small prayer as we finished our lunch and helped the others to set up the room when Sister Joice shouted, "Up up, everyone who's in for the Margam Kali! We've a little change in the schedule here!" "WHAT?" I was shell shocked and standing with my mouth wide open. "Dammit! What are they playing at?" George screamed I was sure my heart skipped a beat as someone pushed me around the room, handed me the costume and asked me to go and change. "No! I'm not ready yet!
(gotta go, to be continued! Muah!!! ;))
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